


Tell-Me-Not

by zedille



Series: x-men humor fics (marya mia!) [5]
Category: X-Men (Alternate Timeline Movies), X-Men (Movieverse)
Genre: Crack, Dad Jokes, Drabble Collection, Gen, Humor, Meta, Reveal
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-15
Updated: 2020-11-30
Packaged: 2020-12-17 03:17:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 946
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21047405
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zedille/pseuds/zedille
Summary: He tells me, he tells me not...Some short &sweetsilly takes on how the Dadneto revealdoesn'thappen. Mostly set post-XMA.1. HYMMM2. halloween3. home for the holidays4. helmet5. (s)hooting blanks6. (bring) him home7. hatemail8. halloween ii9. home for the holidays ii





	1. HYMMM

**Author's Note:**

> Following on from my trolly drabble [Crime of Passion](https://archiveofourown.org/works/19734310).

Erik didn't know what exactly he had expected when Peter had approached him and asked him uncharacteristically seriously if they could talk, but it certainly wasn't this. Peter had sat him down on the sofa in an unused sitting room and then launched into a very long and increasingly incoherent story about some unfortunate woman with extremely poor taste in men.

Erik suppressed a sneeze. There must be a lot of dust in the air.

With a start, he realized that Peter had stopped talking. "I'm sorry, what was that?"

"I _said_," said Peter, "that's how you met my mother."


	2. halloween

According to Charles, the school's Halloween celebrations were supposed to be a chance for the younger students to have some fun and relaxation after the near-Apocalypse earlier that year. So when Erik opened the door—

"Trick or treat!" said Peter, Jean, and Ororo.

"Aren't you a little _old_ for this?" said Erik.

They ignored him like the children they weren't. Jean and Ororo nudged Peter, whispering.

"You're supposed to ask me who I am," said Peter.

"Well, go on," said Erik.

Peter cleared his throat. "Let's just say I'm Frankenstein's monster —"

The whispering intensified.

"— and I'm looking for my creator."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Remember [XMFC](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cbmHLvyIb3E)?
> 
> Fun fact: FFN's word counter counts contractions differently, so I had to cut Jean out of the version posted there. Poor Jean.


	3. home for the holidays

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy American Thanksgiving, if you celebrate it, and the end of November, if you don’t!

Wendy was waiting for Peter when he got back home from Westchester.

"Hey, Wendy, long time no see," Peter said cheerfully. "Is Mom home?"

"She's downstairs," said Wendy.

"Great!" Peter made for the stairs.

"Wait, Peter, there's something you should know," said Wendy, but it was too late. Peter had already run past her and headed down —

— and then he was back, moving quickly even by his standards. He closed the door behind himself and shuddered, his eyes wild.

"Please tell me I saw Mom kissing someone _dressed up as_ Magneto."

"I did try to warn you," said Wendy glumly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _[♫](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=76K5UU0ihow) then I saw mommy tickle Magneto  
underneath his cape so purple bright  
oh, what a laugh it would have been  
if daddy had only seen  
mommy kissing Magneto last night! [♫](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=76K5UU0ihow)_


	4. helmet

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> All hail our new corporate franchise overlords!

Erik traced his missing helmet and armor out of the temporary campsite to where Peter Maximoff was staring into a small fire, morosely poking at it with a stick. The faint sounds of revelry, students still celebrating the Apocalypse's defeat, drifted through the trees. 

For some unknown reason, someone (Peter?) had taken Magneto's regalia of war, brought it here, and set it on fire. His cape was burned, the armor reduced to several irregularly shaped pieces of metal, and —

"What are you _doing_?" said Erik. "Is that my helmet?!" 

Peter stared back defiantly. "It¹ worked for Luke Skywalker, didn't it?" 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ¹ [This did not](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YDqgJye7hyc), in fact, work for Luke Skywalker.


	5. (s)hooting blanks

Peter's mother had reacted to seeing Magneto on TV by getting drunk, which wasn't a surprise. 

What _was_ surprising was the topic of her tipsy ranting, a passionate and unexpectedly coherent speech about — the importance of using protection?!

"... Mom," said Peter faintly once her lecture wound down, "what brought this on?"

"Of course he also killed JFK, on top of everything else," Marya muttered. Her thousand-yard stare was fixed on the television behind them, which was now showing a reporter discussing Magneto's alleged role in the JFK assassination.

"The bullet may have curved," she said, "but his sperm certainly didn't."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Obligatory self-promo link to my ~serious & dramatic~ take on the Kennedy assassination backstory [here](https://archiveofourown.org/works/22497955).
> 
> Stay safe, everyone!


	6. (bring) him home

The Xavier School's faculty production of_ Les Misérables_ was going surprisingly well, considering that Erik, against his better judgement, had agreed to play Valjean.

They'd made it successfully through Act One and halfway through Act Two without significant incident, until Scott suddenly came down with indigestion. Thankfully, the diagnosis was that he should be back for his next solo; in the meantime, Peter — Scott's unlikely understudy — had replaced him as Marius, lying "asleep" in the corner. The show would go on.

The music swelled as the key changed. Erik opened his mouth.

"He's like the son I might have known..."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't worry, Scott is faking the indigestion for this song sequence and will be back for _Empty Chairs at Empty Tables_. ([Not all Marii were so lucky...](https://potentialslayerette.tumblr.com/post/99935423264/the-night-of-three-marii-a-performance-of-les))
> 
> Just be glad I didn't do a drabble themed around [The Beauty Underneath](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vFGr-5m7UkE), the truly unnecessary father-son sequel plot (... therefore the opposite of XMDP?) from musical theatre.


	7. hatemail

Over his long career as Magneto, Erik had received his share of fan- and hatemail alike, but this —

He stared at the contents of the package, somewhat worse the wear for its trip through the postal system, and then again at the shipping label. To his surprise, he recognized the sender. 

Was it supposed to be a comment on his diet? Or an attempt to color-match his armor? … He gave up. This was entirely beyond his experience.

"Peter," he said — the other mutant was opening his own fanmail — "do you have any idea why your mother sent me an eggplant?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ERIK: wow, it's really nice of your mother to make sure I'm ... eating enough vegetables??  
PETER: from this moment forward I am exclusively a carnivore


	8. halloween ii

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A direct sequel to [chapter 2, "halloween"](https://archiveofourown.org/works/21047405/chapters/50598344).

The knock on Erik's door came after most of the Xavier School's students had come and gone with their candy. After last year's somewhat bizarre encounter, Erik was not surprised to see Peter standing there.

Without being prompted, Erik said, "And you are?"

"Can't you guess?" 

Erik stared dumbly at Peter's costume, which involved a lot of armor, leather, what might have been half a fur rug around his shoulders, and most eye-catchingly, a helmet with large curved horns. The overall effect was that of a particularly uninspired supervillain. "Give me a hint?" he said.

"Lief." 

"...Leaf?"

"_Eriksson_," said Peter. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sadly, Peter isn't dressed up as [Leif from Animal Crossing](https://animalcrossing.fandom.com/wiki/Leif).


	9. home for the holidays ii

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A direct sequel to [chapter 3, "home for the holidays".](https://archiveofourown.org/works/21047405/chapters/51546541)

Peter Maximoff's mind had a very distinctive telepathic texture, which Charles could usually feel coming from miles away. He was therefore very surprised to find the speedster lurking in an unused sitting room. 

Peter was slumped on the couch, head in his hands, with the defeated air of someone having a total existential crisis.

"What's wrong?" said Charles. "Weren't you visiting your family for Thanksgiving? Did something happen?"

"Magneto did," Peter muttered. 

Charles frowned. As far as he knew, Erik had been quite well-behaved recently (in retrospect, perhaps suspiciously so). "Why, what's he done now?"

"_My mother_," said Peter miserably.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'll let you draw your own conclusions about the reasons for Erik's sudden good behavior...


	10. bonus: old macneto

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Not a full drabble.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To the tune of "Old McDonald":

♫ Old MacNeto had a farm  
MUTANT BROTHERHOOD!  
And on this farm he had a kid  
MUTANT BROTHERHOOD!  
With a bullet here, and an arrow there  
Here a cape, there a coin  
Everywhere another trauma  
Old MacNeto had a farm —  
But his kid was not a goat ♫

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Full disclosure, I have [used this joke before](https://archiveofourown.org/works/7297633/chapters/18142270).
> 
> If you're reading this, thank you for making it all the way through my nonsense! 🎆 I've had a lot of fun writing these. Sadly I'm all out of dad jokes for now, but if I come up with any more, they'll be posted here.
> 
> Assuming you enjoyed my sense of humor, you may also enjoy the other stories in this series ᕕ( ᐛ )ᕗ

**Author's Note:**

> Spoilery rundown:
> 
>   * Ch1 is a play on [How I Met Your Mother](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/How_I_Met_Your_Mother), with bonus [significant sneezing](https://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/SneezeCut)
>   * Ch2 is a callback to the ~literary theme~ in XMFC in Erik's Nazi-hunting days
>   * Ch3 is a filk of [I Saw Mommy Kissing <strike>Santa Claus</strike> Magneto](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/I_Saw_Mommy_Kissing_Santa_Claus)
>   * Ch4 is a reference to Star Wars, the great father-son reveal of our time
>   * Ch5 is a variation on Charles' line "the bullet curved, Erik" in DOFP.
>   * Ch6 quotes "Bring Him Home" from _Les Misérables_.
>   * Ch7 🍆
>   * Ch8 patronymics
>   * Ch9 "What's he done now?"
> 
> See also [Crime of Passion](https://archiveofourown.org/works/19734310) and [the My Immortal parody](https://archiveofourown.org/works/21774703).


End file.
